The Inner Critic
In this week’s musing I discuss our inner critic. What it is, how it can show up for us, and how to interact with it.
Audio Transcription:
Hello and welcome to my musings.
I recently had the opportunity to lead a meditation to a large group at an event in New York City. I wanted to muse about this today because so many things came up for me and my goal is to always be authentic with you and show you all sides of myself and how you can use this information to hopefully continue your growth and expansion.
The first thing I’d love to share is that this was a dream come true for me. I’ve had a vision of myself onstage for a long time although I never really knew how it would come to be or what I would be sharing. I’ve been the backstage manager for quite a few events and was asked to work on this one and then as a bonus, I was asked to lead a meditation. It felt magical to see how this all came together.
The entire weekend felt like a fairy tale in a sense and yet I wondered why this one felt different. I’d done several of these events before. Historically they are high stress with a lot of moving pieces and the days are long. And then I realized that the part that was magical is that I was present. I wasn’t in my head about things. I was in each moment as it happened.
An example of this was on Sunday morning, the second day of the event. I set my alarm for 6am so I would have time to get up, curl my hair, put on makeup and get ready for my dual role as back of house manager and meditation leader and to be at the venue at 8am.
Imagine my surprise when I rolled over and checked the clock to find it said 7:10am! I have no idea what happened, but I have no recollection of my alarm going off. My first feeling was panic, but I very quickly stepped back into my body. I realized that there was nothing I could do to change the situation. I could only move forward from where I was, and I decided that I would rather do that from a place of peace rather than overwhelm.
I took a deep breath and started getting ready. I was 15 minutes late getting to the venue, but it really didn’t have any impact. Yay!
The morning went well and then it was my turn to get on stage. I honestly was not nervous. I felt peaceful, calm and centered as I took the stage and led the meditation. I felt beautiful in my new dress and my curled hair. I felt comfortable getting on stage. Whee!!! I was in the moment and loving it.
The part that I want to share with you that feels a little vulnerable, was that after the event I watched a video that a friend took and looked at pictures of myself on stage.
All of a sudden, I was judging myself! Ugh, what was wrong with my hair? Why did I think it looked good when I looked in the mirror? It certainly did not look good on stage. Any my dress that I thought I looked so good in??? Well, let’s just say I wasn’t feeling good about what I saw.
And then it dawned on me, albeit, after a couple of days of judgment, that my inner critic had shown up! You know, we all have various parts to ourselves. We have the inner child, the ego and yup, the inner critic just to name a few.
Well, she’d come on full force. So, what did I do? I took a deep breath and centered myself and said “Well hello! I see you’re having some feelings. Pull up a chair. You are welcome at this table.” And I felt the feelings. I felt vulnerable. I felt the feelings of “what if people didn’t like me”, “what if I didn’t do a good job?” I let them flow through me. I felt them. And then they moved on. They’d been heard and felt, and I was back in my power again. And I remembered that my infinite self, the true me, wasn’t judging my physical appearance. It was feeling joyous that I had done something I’d been dreaming of doing and that I was radiant.
I can now look at the video and pictures with love and appreciation that I did the thing. I got up on stage and shared my gifts with an audience that genuinely appreciated them, and even if they hadn’t, I’d still be ok.
This is the stuff that I work with both with myself and my clients. It brings me back to the fact that we are spiritual beings having a human experience and part of that experience is the whole experience. The growth comes from being aware of ourselves, of knowing when we’re triggered, by feeling the feelings and by not judging them.
If you’ve been with me for a while you’ve heard this over and over, but it’s the truth. It’s how we integrate. It’s how we show up in life feeling the best way we can feel.
I know I’m not the only person who has self-doubts or occasional issues with body image. And I know that there is a way through this. Sometimes we need a guide to help us through. To help us see. To hold us when we need holding emotionally. That’s why I have a coach.
I hope that by sharing this you can see yourself in pieces of it. That you can recognize that sometimes you judge yourself or feel vulnerable and you can see that this is ok because once you are aware, you have a choice. You can then let the emotions move and you can step back into your power.
And until next time, remember that true peace is always just one breath away.
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