People Pleasing
Do you struggle with people pleasing? It is so common for us humans and can be very subtle.
In today’s musings I reflect on people pleasing and how to come back to ourselves and tune into what is true for us in each moment.
Audio Transcription:
Hello, and welcome to my musings.
Today I want to talk about people pleasing. This topic has been coming up a lot in my individual client sessions as well as my groups, so I thought that was a sign to discuss.
So, I’m sure you’ve heard about people pleasing. It’s when we put other people’s thoughts, needs, desires, ahead of our own. When we don’t really check in with ourselves about what our thoughts and feelings are on a decision.
Do you do this? I’m sure all of us have at least at one point or another and in fact, it probably shows up in very subtle ways, even if not overtly.
So, I invite you to take this moment to check in with yourself. Can you recall a time when you did something you didn’t really want to, but you did it anyway?
And with that in mind, let’s dissect. What was going on for you in that moment when you made the decision? I find that there is usually something behind it. Perhaps you are afraid of something? Are you worried that the other person will be upset or even angry if you don’t say yes? Are you afraid of losing someone’s love? (This one can be tricky, but if you follow the thread, you may be surprised at the answer). Do you worry that they won’t like you? Or that you may lose the relationship?
What I just described was focused on an act or doing something for someone else, but let’s look at it another way. Do you ever bury your true authentic self for fear that someone else won’t accept you just the way you are? I think this can be sneaky, but really worth looking at.
This can take the form of agreeing with something you don’t really agree with, or not speaking up when you’d like to. It can look like forgoing activities that you really enjoy if you don’t feel that the other person would enjoy it.
And these things don’t have to be big deal things either. They can be small, seemingly inconsequential decisions we make throughout the day. It can be a friend asking you to visit and you saying yes, although you’d rather just stay home and read a book. It can be a family get together that you’d rather not attend. It can be what show to watch with your partner.
So what’s happening when we do these things? Number one, we’re abandoning ourselves. We’re essentially saying that someone else is more important than us or that we don’t really trust them to “handle” the real us. Is this how you want to live your life?
What if you decided to do an experiment? What if for the next day or two or the next week, you check in with yourself whenever someone asks something of you. What if you really, honestly checked in to see what your preference is in each moment and then took action or gave an answer from that place.
If this feels scary, then I invite you to look deeper. What is the fear? And once you’ve explored this, you will have more insight and can then decide what to do going forward.
Wayne Dyer said (and I’m paraphrasing) that “Other people’s opinions of me are none of my business” and I love this quote! I would pose that we are here on earth to live our lives as our true authentic selves and that this means we are true and authentic in our decisions and our relationships.
The path of least resistance may seem like the easier one in the moment, but if you choose that path, take a look at the repercussions. How do you feel? Are you happy with the decision or do you feel less than or resentful? And if you feel resentful, how are you treating the other person in the equation? And then reflect back on whether or not that is how you want to be living.
As I said before, this stuff can be subtle and tricky. I’ve worked through a lot of it in my own life and am always checking in with myself in order to be as authentic as possible.
If this is something you’d like to work on or need support with then I’m here for you!
I hope you got what you needed from this little musing and remember that true peace is always just one breath away.
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